riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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