dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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