She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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