So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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