she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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