Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I want to be your penis for a week.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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