You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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