On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
