dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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