hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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