So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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