He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
