How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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