omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
