oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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