i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
