We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize