I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
