Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
We are all done wearing pants today
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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