At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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