So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
