oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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