After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
