apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
