Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
