come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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