i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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