dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
