New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
