Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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