I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
