im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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