Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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