I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
