she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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