i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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