:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
