I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
