Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
