So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
