I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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