I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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