you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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