She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
