yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
