Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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