I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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