Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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