now i know why i became what i already was.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
