considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
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So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
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Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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