I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
