Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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