He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Randomize
