I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
