Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
