I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
