for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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