The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck