Your face is a jimmy john
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
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