WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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